My throat has been tight lately. I’m irritable and frustrated, searching for answers to why. It’s my fault really – I’m not practicing yoga regularly or meditating enough. “Just breathe into this resistance,” I’ve told myself. Breathe and allow.
And then I roll my eyes because this shit is just annoying, isn’t it? I’m tired of trying. But I’ve landed here because of just that – trying. Trying trying trying. Trying to not be angry and jaded. But I am, and I have been for some time.
This past year, I went through a strange experience I was quick to want to get over. But like most things we try to run from, they catch up eventually. I may have physically escaped a yoga cult, but the lingering resentment remains beneath the surface.
“Maggie, what the actual fuck. How could you have been so dumb? You never even liked half these people, and you knew it. WHY WHY WHY.” (A peek into my inner dialogue lately – it’s been fun.)
Let me back up to a tale as old as time: Girl feels lost, girl searches for meaning, girl finds meaning in a manipulative boy. Until she doesn’t. Sometimes this boy is a romantic partner, sometimes a yoga guru. Potato, potahto.
These stories usually frame the man as the big bad wolf and the woman as a victim – a vulnerable person in need of guidance who was wronged. One of my favorite children’s books was “The True Story of the Three Little Pigs,” told from the wolf’s perspective. There are two sides to every story.
When we frame these stories solely from a victim perspective, with a wolf who’s somehow a master manipulator, we continue to disempower ourselves and dodge responsibility for our growth. Although a man abusing power is part of the story, you don’t get into positions of power alone. People put you there. There is no guru without followers.
My jadedness has been with everyone involved – those who lied for the man and those who hold him solely responsible. But my anger lies mostly with myself. Angry that I’ve continued to seek approval, belonging, and love in such a desperate way, oof. It’s a hard pill to swallow, really. All of these feelings are difficult to sit with. Difficult to accept as part of me.
I’ve heard people say that anger is just an emotion to mask sadness. But, no. Can we keep it simple? We have a range of emotions. Learning how to ride the wave of these emotions takes practice. I mean, it just took me 6 months to recognize and acknowledge that I’m angry, so… 😉
I suppose, if I had to make sense of all of this (which I love to do – make it make sense!), then it’s about meeting my own dark side and welcoming it to the table. How this unfolds is a new tale yet to be told, but oh, the possibilities.
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