When am I going to grow up? And what does that even mean?
I sat down to write this story about my fear of authority and then remembered that wasn’t always true. Depending on my surroundings, I could be very sarcastic and outspoken with certain teachers, getting into trouble sometimes. But other times, I was terrified of repercussions. Which is strange because my parents were LAX. And my mom was the mom who would defend her kids even if we were, uh, clearly caught red-handed.
At one point, though, this terrible fear of the other and their opinion of my behavior became the sole driver of my behavior.
Stepping into an IDGAF era is not without its challenges. It means really having to accept that there are people who will not agree with me, nor will they like me. How terrifying. And liberating.
Here’s what I’m learning. Consider this a brief how-to guide on how you too may navigate the murky waters of other people’s opinions. (Unless of course you disagree, in which case please tell me and I will change it)
My first instinct:
Is to defend myself. “But you have no reason to feel that way about me because I’m completely justified in all of my actions, words, and deeds.” My mom says so! 😉
My second instinct:
Is to clap back: I DON’T LIKE YOU EITHER.
My third instinct:
Is to gossip and share with a few people how wrong this person is and how right I am.
My fourth instinct:
Is to observe 1, 2, and 3 and ask: Mmmm, Really?
My fifth instinct:
Is to remember this person has as much power over me as I choose to give them.
Which means reminding myself: Why am I giving their opinion more weight than my own? Why do I feel the need to prove anything here? Isn’t it enough to know I value, trust and forgive myself? I think it is.
Which leads to instinct 6:
Know. And Let it go.
These dynamics are about power.
And most often, this idea of adulting or growing up is an authority complex on its own. It’s an idea that some people know how to behave, while others do not. It’s a subjective opinion. So when am I going to grow up?
Never.
Because your rightness is no fun.
